With all my faults (and we all have them), at least I know I've got "ambition" going for me. I receive so many emails, convos, and notes from you guys saying very encouraging things like "good to see females achieving success" or "I knew you and your sister were going to do great things!" Thank you. Thanks for these very kind words. I get a lot of inspiration and hope from you guys. It has meant so much to me, especially at this point in my life.
Lately, a scene from Ayn Rand's book "Atlas Shrugged" has been replaying over and over in my mind. The one in which James' friends, the government croonies, have dealt Dagny the final blow. I picture an ariel view of a strong woman inside a fragile body lying limp and exhausted on her desk.
Although that scene should be discouraging, I've always looked at it as encouraging, and I'll tell you why. Life isn't easy. We all know this. There are so many obstacles, and at some point, and maybe at many points for a lot of us, there is a lot of heavy weight from problems and catastrophes weighing down on us. I see that in Dagny, just like I've felt that feeling in myself, but the reason why that scene gives me hope is because I understand Dagny's character, that although she is very broken at the moment, she will always regain her determination, and get back up and try again.
I spoke with a good friend of mine about his broken heart last night. My voice has sounded like his voice coming through the line, so many times. Although my current struggles don't involve heartbreak, I know that that feeling is the hardest emotion to cope with. I told him about my late concerns, too personal to relay in a blog. I'd like to write about the general feeling that my friend and I had both shared of "being stuck", the feeling of a "hopelessness" and "not being able to get out of it"
Now, there is no way I could take enough yoga classes or drink enough chamomile tea to make me bounce around with the lightness of a ten-year old once again. But, my friend told me in order to heal, you have to get down to the root of the problem, and work it out, and just maybe it will require a gigantic change of heart, a scary, gigantic change of heart.
Today, I was just driving home from the post office (sending out a bin of your orders:) and feeling a tug on my heartstrings and soul that just hasn't been able to get up and leave me alone quite yet. It's been there for some time, and I buy groceries with it there, hold hands with my lover with it there, eat breakfast with it there, and make jewelry with it there. I know it's not going to be easy for that pressure holding on to me to leave, but I have a lot of hope that someday, I'll get up with the sun, and forget that I ever felt it at all.
It's times like these when other artists' help me out tremendously. A huge comfort has been any film by Woody Allen. The most recent movie I saw of his was "Midnight in Paris". I could just sob right now thinking of the beauty of the scenes in his film. His art makes me reach out and grab my fantasies, my dreams, whether it's similar to his dreams of a quaint little flat in Paris, with mystery, and love, and freedom, or whether it's something else.
You know, I just feel like so many of us settle in our lives. We get lost and decide because maybe we feel like we are running out of time, "O.k. well I guess this it. This is good enough", but it shouldn't just stop there. Don't be lazy. Every day could and should be incredible and just like you had always dreamed of designing your life and your days!
If you are all feeling light, like the lightness in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" (read this book!), I envy you and celebrate your happiness. If you are feeling a slight tug at your soul strings, I encourage you to not lose sight of what your looking for, what your desiring to feel. Search for your inspiration through art and late night phone conversations with long lost friends. We'll all get it back soon.